Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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