I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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