I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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