Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
