Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
