my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
