You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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