Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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