You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Sext me about skeletons
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
