I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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