Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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