im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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