So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
