He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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