I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
