i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
