I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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