You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
