I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
