Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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