I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
