I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
