It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
