Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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