Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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