I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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