you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
