I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
