I can tuck mytits in my pants
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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