hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
