i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
