ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just gift wrapped bread.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
