I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
