I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
this hospital has no fireball
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
