I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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