If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize