That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
