I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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