Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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