i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
