I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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