In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
They are going to name an STD after you.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
