Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Betty ford says i'm here all night
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize