How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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