even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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