I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
