today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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