Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
