everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
