Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
