i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
