he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
