Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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