you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
