Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
