If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
