you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
