I'm lost and stupid without you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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